Wanna RockWacker?

RockWacker #2, in capable hands

IMAGINE,

HEFTING IN YOUR ARMS,

YOUR VERY OWN,

THE ONE,

THE SPECIAL,

THE MAGICAL,

THE MYSTICAL,

THE COLLECTIBLE,

THE CERTIFIABLE

MIRACLE STAFF

WITH

THE 3000 YEAR GUARANTEE

THAT HAS BEEN CRAFTED

ESPECIALLY FOR YOU!

CLICK IMAGE BELOW TO SEE YOUR CERTIFICATE:

 
WHY WOULD YOU WANNA WACKER?

In order to answer that question, let me first ask you something:

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND MOSES?

I don't mean that Moses lacked your three hundred horsepower TransAm with the dents on every fender. And I don't mean that God talked to Moses but not you. First of all, maybe she does, but that's not to the point. I know you, and you think that THE POINT IS YOUR LIFE!?!

The first difference between you and Moses, and I'm going out on a limb here : Moses had a much more interesting life than you do. (If I'm wrong write me the story of your life to prove it)

The second difference between you and Moses is that MOSES HAD A STAFF.

See what I'm getting at?

In fact, all kinds of people who had more interesting lives than you do, also had a staff. Never mind all those other biblical dudes. How about Little John, Robin Hood's sidekick? How about Bruce Lee? (In fact, martial arts RockWacking classes are rumored to abound). How about all those zen monks wandering around in misty landscapes getting drunk and nevertheless expounding wisdom? How about Colin Fletcher? How about Merlin and his like? How about........?

Now, I'm not guaranteeing a life as interesting as Moses'. It is, after all, a Chinese curse, to wish "an interesting life" on someone.

And if you faced any of Moses' travails, you would indeed feel cursed. Who needs all that slavery and such? God bugging you all the time to do stuff you don't want to do, and slinging plagues around like a politician's promises, and insisting on years of wilderness wandering? (Though Colin Fletcher seems to have made the most of such circumstance).

Besides, your RockWacker comes with only the one warranty that is on the certificate.

Now you are asking, "What certificate? What warranty?" That is because you didn't bother to "Click Image Below to See Your Certificate" as instructed above. I understand.  I'll spell it out for you:

"Your RockWacker is guaranteed to bring forth water from stone within the next 3,000 years, or you can return if for a full refund."

While we are on the subject of that guarantee, I acknowledge your skepticism. But if people continue to pay these silly prices for their RockWackers, there should still be a Wordless empire around to honor it when the warranty expires.

Now, let's try again on the "click image below" idea, and see if you do better this time:

Back to the point, the one and only point that is important to you, given your overwhelming self-centeredness: THE POINT IS YOUR LIFE!?!

Your life will become more interesting when it includes your very own registered certifiable RockWacker. At the very least, you will get a laugh whenever anyone asks what the hell it is. And, if they ask how much you paid for it, there's a chance they'll be falling down laughing at your answer. But you don't have to let that happen. Prop them up with your RockWacker!

And then there's the likelihood that your unique RockWacker and its history gradually gain value over time, the earliest issues and those with the most glamorous history becoming most coveted. (Not that we endorse any coveting.) The child you buy it for now may put herself through college with it later.

Speaking of value, take a deep breath and try to picture this: For the next three thousand years, you and yours, in the company of your RockWacker, spend each moment totally alive and alert, constantly on the lookout for miracles. What value may unfold from that?

But if all else fails, you will surely have one damn fine walking stick. Not necessarily fancy, it will be strong enough for chin-ups, sporting a comfortable, adjustable support strap, genuine leather wrappings, a tip perfect for fire-poking, enough reach to discourage mad dogs, perfect balance for beating the bush (maybe the bush that suddenly bursts into flame), a distinctive look for urban styling and self-defense, possibly a prop for your camera............. someone to lean on. Our fervent hope is that you frequently require precisely the help it provides to prevent your falling down laughing.

OK, so maybe there is no good reason that you Wanna Wacker. Now is the time to take a stand, to draw a line in the sand and declare your uncompromising position:

GOOD REASONS ARE OVERRATED.

Odds are that you are under the impression that money is scarce. So, for awhile now, you have probably been obsessing about the price. "HOW MUCH IS IT?" you've been wondering. You may find out soon.

But first, you should know about the ironclad service guarantee. This is different than the product warranty and it looks like this:

If you are still obsessing about the price, or you just started to because you like the service guarantee so much, here's your answer:

That is, you could have one for that price if I hadn't elsewhere made the following promise: "Under no circumstances will the price be as marked."

Given that, here's the order form: