For the Travelling Man with Elan...

Wouldn’t it be great if all your moisturizing, hair, skin, shaving, showering, and shagging needs could be met from one airline-legal bottle? 

Miracle Grooming Elixir

Hit the road, Jack.

Duty or pleasure calls, and off you go, all your needs carry-on size, essential, Homeland Security compliant.

Your compact bags are quickly packed, and you’re bravely tackling the airport gauntlet.  The poor guy at the security gate has to paw through your stuff, make sure you’re not carrying enough explosive liquid to reheat your airline meal.  

When he encounters (and sniffs) your little bottle of Travelling Snake Oil, The Miracle Grooming Elixir, he may have a question, all right, but it’ll probably be fun.

And you are on your hassle-free way, probably to someplace you need to be presentable. 

Is it OK for a guy to look good?
Sure, but you’re not allowed to make a big deal out of it. 

Is it OK if you feel good to the touch?
You bet, but you better not gleam, glisten, or glow.  And you’d best not smell fruity or flowery, either. 

You shouldn’t be packing a drugstore of products, and you’ll not have hours for “personal care."

Grooming is like the assholes in your life.  You deal with them as briefly and pleasantly as possible.  You don't dwell on them.

Wouldn’t it be great if all your moisturizing, hair, skin, shaving, showering, and shagging needs could be met from one airline-legal bottle? 

Well that’s what happens, when you get Travelling Snake Oil, The Miracle Grooming Elixir.  It’s like WD-40: just having it around leads to discovering new uses. 

The crappy air on the plane gets to your face and hands.  No fuss: a little Travelling Snake Oil repairs the dry, absorbs quickly, smells none. 

At your destination you get to skip the baggage thing.  If you have to make an appearance somewhere important before getting a proper shot at a bathroom, you can tame the hair and even enjoy the notorious “dry shave” with judicious application of Travelling Snake Oil. 

Then, when you can do a real wash, it won’t matter what kind of crummy soap or shampoo is provided. Travelling Snake Oil is going to make all well. 

So now you’re out of the shower.  You upend your little bottle of Travelling Snake Oil and squeeze a spoonful into your palm.  You rub it all through your towel-dried hair and all over your face.  You quickly wipe some residue onto your chap-happy elbows and knees.  The rest disappears conveniently into the skin of your hands. 

Now you whip out your razor and shave your face.  Travelling Snake Oil has softened your beard and lubricated your skin for a smooth, painless job of it.  You don’t need to rinse. Travelling Snake Oil has left your skin soft and comfortable.  Wiping off won’t mess up the towel, either.

Next, you simply comb your hair.  It’s moist now with both water and Travelling Snake Oil, but it will dry naturally and leave your hair nice and civilized.  If you don’t like the controlled image, you can simply fluff it with your hands anytime you want.  Or, if nobody is looking, go ahead and blow-dry.

If you’re bald it’s even better: scalp healthy, not shiny.  If you’re vain enough to shave it, see above for face.  

Hit the other end, your feet, too. Prevents itching and chapping, won't mess up your socks.

You’re good to go.  On with slaying dragons, saving damsels. 

Imagine, at the end of the day, the sensuous potential of a properly oiled snake.  In fact, I was introduced to the product by a woman who cared about such matters.  She told me it was as tasteless as this paragraph, and non-toxic, too.  I shall never forget her. 

I also learned then that Travelling Snake Oil is a superior massage lubricant:  very slippery, and before long it just goes away, leaving nothing but happy skin. 

Don’t tell anybody, but this is actually a salon formula that was sold under some silly name at outrageous prices.  Did you know that the girls have web forums and blogs discussing this kind of stuff?  You should be secure enough to know they like it, too.  

And if you are an actor, or sometimes require disguise, you’ll want to remember that some even use it as a makeup remover. 

But you have already wasted enough time on grooming research.  You’re a guy!  Just buy some, try it, and move on to more important topics.  

When you are homeward bound, mission accomplished, you can reflect on your effortless success, unhampered by petty details of toiletry.  And if a little wounded, you have a dandy salve.  

If you’re scared to risk the paltry price, please don’t.  Some courage is required even to try a product with a name like Travelling Snake Oil. 

But if you don’t like it, just bitch to me and I’ll buy it back.  

With a moderate pleasure agenda, and a masculine hairstyle, a bottle will last at least two weeks.  

Buy a six-pack.  It won’t break the bank, and you can give a few to your best friends, who will thank you. 

Travelling Snake Oil

Miracle Grooming Elixir

 All-purpose hair and skin conditioner.
Moisturizes and adds protein.
Great for damaged or dry hair
Non-greasy lotion smoothes dry, rough skin
Contains no fragrance or coloring.

Note:  Travelling Snake Oil contains no oil.  It has nothing to do with snakes, and it only travels if you do.  It is a miracle if you believe one half of this: "Either everything is a miracle, or nothing is."  As an elixir, it doesn't solve all problems.  For example, it may not convert your mother-in-law into your best friend.  But it's worth a try, so give her some.

Travelling Snake Oil is the best all-purpose moisturizer, hair and skin conditioner for guys like me, who are lazy, hate to shop, and won't accept that to look and feel good is complicated.  But I do travel, appreciate convenience, and enjoy sensuous interludes, maybe like you.

Ingredients:
Water, cetyl alcohol (humectant and emulsifier), cetrimonium bromide (cationic conditioning agent, antiseptic, adds shine, one website said it was a preservative), hydrolyzed keratin (hair protein), polymethoxy bicylic oxazolidine (preservative), methylparaben (preservative), propylparaben (preservative), citric acid (PH balancer).